The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm like, not good at living.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
