i permit you to call me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
