I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
