Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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