yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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