remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
