don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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