I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
