just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
