It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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