Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
