I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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