After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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