Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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