We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
