I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
