Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
