yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
