Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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