seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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