im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
