I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
