Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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