I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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