Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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