So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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