Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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