You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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