any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
