did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Pants are for mortals
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
