What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
