I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
