The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i dont even know how to be here
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
