I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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