Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
