sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
