I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Mom said you looked used
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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