I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
