My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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