Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
