so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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