Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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