i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
