I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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