I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
