Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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