I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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