im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
