Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
