In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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