When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
