hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I can text with my tongue
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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