Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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