I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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