and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
