R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Actions speak louder than pants.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
