I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
