I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
