omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I deserve this hangover.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
